new beginning
I had a blog with this name about 5 years ago... I tried to re open it because the things that I
said seemed relevant in many ways to my current sense of being. So many struggles have
happened since that time..
I moved twice.. for the better or worse.. that still remains unclear
most days. I lost a good friend for reasons which I still don't understand, my roommate died
in her sleep leaving me without a place to live overnight and I lost a dearly beloved man who I don't
have a title for.. I thought we loved one another. I love him. I grieve all of this right now. I
am just now a year later starting to feel like I can move forward.. and I hate it...I've been
just a shadow of myself.. getting up... working.. drinking.. trying to meditate.. trying to care
and find meaning day to day.. some days easier than others..working at jobs that other people find somewhere between heroic and insane...
winter as always bears down on me and my depression symptoms are just .. well awful. I'm always exhausted.. and somehow I keep on .. some days I don't want to live. I don't say that out loud to people because they'll want to do things about it.. I understand that.. I would too. But I've felt this sense of wanting to "un-be"for almost all my life.. so I don't say it out loud because I am 52 and I've felt this for 40 years.. I don't fear my doing anything to me.. it's a terrible feeling but it's temporary..
this sense of things being good or bad.. pleasant or unpleasant and the noticing of them and the
ease or dis ease in letting them go.. is what I consider my practice my finding zen or god or gods
I have this last year watched the swinging of my moods and temper and angst with some dismay.. concern and finally just now.. amusement.. because it is always now.. until it isn't.
I have worked for the past 12 years at a dayshelter for people who are homeless.. everyday it's
different.. every day there's so much suffering.. Life is suffering.. everyday there is so much
living here.. and every day there is so much joy.. everyday this is living here.. My job takes a
lot from me.. gives back little in terms of money.. emotionally it takes a lot too.. everything I am and
then more.. but it gives back a lot too.. it is a privilege to relieve suffering.. it is a privilege to bear witness to suffering and it's relief.. and some stories I've witnessed and been part of are gut wrenchingly beautiful and awful and I can't imagine it not being my life... but for many many years I've know I need to leave this.. to do something simple and beautiful.. to travel some .. to enjoy what time I have left on this planet.. I am planning some changes.. change is constant of which I will write again soon..
said seemed relevant in many ways to my current sense of being. So many struggles have
happened since that time..
I moved twice.. for the better or worse.. that still remains unclear
most days. I lost a good friend for reasons which I still don't understand, my roommate died
in her sleep leaving me without a place to live overnight and I lost a dearly beloved man who I don't
have a title for.. I thought we loved one another. I love him. I grieve all of this right now. I
am just now a year later starting to feel like I can move forward.. and I hate it...I've been
just a shadow of myself.. getting up... working.. drinking.. trying to meditate.. trying to care
and find meaning day to day.. some days easier than others..working at jobs that other people find somewhere between heroic and insane...
winter as always bears down on me and my depression symptoms are just .. well awful. I'm always exhausted.. and somehow I keep on .. some days I don't want to live. I don't say that out loud to people because they'll want to do things about it.. I understand that.. I would too. But I've felt this sense of wanting to "un-be"for almost all my life.. so I don't say it out loud because I am 52 and I've felt this for 40 years.. I don't fear my doing anything to me.. it's a terrible feeling but it's temporary..
this sense of things being good or bad.. pleasant or unpleasant and the noticing of them and the
ease or dis ease in letting them go.. is what I consider my practice my finding zen or god or gods
I have this last year watched the swinging of my moods and temper and angst with some dismay.. concern and finally just now.. amusement.. because it is always now.. until it isn't.
I have worked for the past 12 years at a dayshelter for people who are homeless.. everyday it's
different.. every day there's so much suffering.. Life is suffering.. everyday there is so much
living here.. and every day there is so much joy.. everyday this is living here.. My job takes a
lot from me.. gives back little in terms of money.. emotionally it takes a lot too.. everything I am and
then more.. but it gives back a lot too.. it is a privilege to relieve suffering.. it is a privilege to bear witness to suffering and it's relief.. and some stories I've witnessed and been part of are gut wrenchingly beautiful and awful and I can't imagine it not being my life... but for many many years I've know I need to leave this.. to do something simple and beautiful.. to travel some .. to enjoy what time I have left on this planet.. I am planning some changes.. change is constant of which I will write again soon..
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